Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Coming out, my sexuality waffle

So, I haven't done a blog post for a while now and this is a weird post to welcome back with but hey I'm doing it with dubstep music (from the mortal instruments: city of bones soundtrack) playing in the background...I'm weird I know.

Anyway, whole point I wanted to do this blogpost was because it felt like it was needed, yes I outed myself on Twitter and YouTube, yet I haven't done it here but maybe it's about time I did to try and help others who have no idea and are just as queer (you can use this term if you hate labels and have no idea) as can be.

Firstly there was my coming out video with little bits of how I know and accept it which is here, it's about 8 minutes long which if that's long for you, dw there's sum up video here. Which is just 4 minutes, calm your low attention spans. By the way, that second link is more to do with being okay with not knowing a label to place on yourself which is completely fine, when there's just so many it gets pretty confusing, especially when some days you like boys but the next you like girls (as an example). A more updated video with un-discussed points can be found here.

Now that the promo is out of the way, let's get to the actual blog post. Well, I'm going to say this plain and straight (ha the irony) if you haven't checked the tags; known me from twitter for a bit or watched any of the video links, you wouldn't know this...I'm pansexual. Yeah it's out there. So why are you outing yourself even more Rach? Well, one: to avoid another awkward encounter with an old friend. Two: it's a whole lot easier to say things online, have a username and picture to hide behind but real life you're seeing everything live and you're constantly told you can have an impact, you are in control of your future but with no plan of how it turns out. In other words, it's a lot easier to say it here in a blogpost than publicly outing. Yes that can be seen as "cowardly" by some but hey I'm not one for awkward moments when I'm already enough of an awkward human being without having to explain all these things multiple times. Or it might act as a better way to drive away the people I don't need in my life, who knows?

Either way, that was supposed to be one short sentence, just typical I waffle when I shouldn't. You still reading? Good. I should probably get to the point I was supposed to be getting to, well see the thing is I had a feeling that I wanted to write a blogpost but actually getting to write it, that's the hard bit when you have no idea what to say, that's me rn.

My story
There was always this feeling I had that I'm not as straight as my whole family is, like there must be something different, and the time I really started noticing it is when I had my first kiss and I just felt so sick afterwards and the only explanation I had is because I barely knew the guy. Sound familiar? Yeah I didn't feel anything because I didn't know him on a personal level, and for a pansexual to like someone, they've gotta know their personality. But when my first kiss happened I also had this mindset that neither of us had any idea how to kiss, and yes granted that was partially it and at the time I wasn't sure what to believe because yes we had internet and online things but I wasn't as educated in the sexualities. I was 16, and honestly to me that's an age where I should have a basic grasp of some things, but I had absolutely no idea about what I was into, or what it was even considered.

So after my first kiss, where I'm left confused as heck when I expected it to be all amazing and the best thing ever, thanks fairytales, I had no idea what to do. But instead of saying anything, I bottled this up, and went with the usual oh yeah we were just messing around, of course there was no feeling behind it. There were these nights where I'd always blame myself and get really confused as to why I felt nothing since I was so uneducated on the different sexualities, yes I know of the gay or straight but nothing of the other categories. And as luck would have it, I found myself most comfortable in one of the less known categories.

My secondary school was complete and utter crap with the way it taught almost anything, and yes there were a few I got good grades in but ignoring the food technology classes, the one that was most crap was sexual education. Yup, one of the few things we actually need to be taught properly or our whole future is messed up-not completely but most. My sexual education teacher wasn't awful, there were times where our class recommended he should find a way to solve his anger management problems because he would always be shouting or banging his head against the wall with my class. Yes they were noisy but take a chill pill, most classes are noisy. Sorry I sound angry but honestly it was so frustrating: that the only lesson I actually remember where he got somewhere is one I explained in that first video link, basically (about to get graphic) we had to put a real condom on a plastic if that's not a awkward disturbing class to have, idk what is. But even after that, when our teacher apparently quit, we had this replacement which just read out of a book and everyone could tell she didn't have the slightest clue what she was doing. Which is a lot of help when YOU'RE THE TEACHER.

Skip to the time I found out

When I started my second year of college; I was moved to this new media class where I knew no one, yet the person sitting next to me immediately started talking to me and we would always be in the same group. We quickly became the best of friends, even though she was with the group I wouldn't normally go to which involved smoking, I still had no part of this but soon after, she started being more open with her sexuality as bi. This was when I had the limited information on sexualities (I knew gay and straight), I had heard of bi being attracted to two genders: male and female, yet I had not stumbled upon others. Once I heard this news I started becoming more interested in sexualities which led me to start researching more in depth as to what others there are. After a while, I kept coming back to the fact that I just never felt comfortable being referred to as straight and staying in the little box it provided. I knew I had to find the other box where I connected but that's hard to do when none of the boxes are close together. What kind of metaphor am I even trying to make here? It was at age 18 that I did find a sexuality I felt comfortable to be in, that sexuality is pansexual. It took me longer to find it, with it being on the plus of lgbtq+.

I remember finding it with others a week or so before and admiring it so much, yet relating to it at the same time with only realising a few days after when going back to the little experience I had. Going back to that first kiss and the explanation I always had as a mindset. That I had to know this person well. Whether that was the things they told and made public or the being they I came to know them as; from a distance. I knew pansexuality as this perfect sexuality that just sounded so beautiful, attracted to what's inside; opposed to outside. Making them blind to what they look like or whatever gender they may be. I had this self doubt that someone as ugly as myself couldn't be in this pretty group of wise beings, I just got so lost in others' ways of finding out to be whatever sexuality they were, that I didn't come to find those who struggled to find one like I did. Stuck in the middle of the room with different boxes of sexualities, labels on the boxes; the name being crossed out if definitely sure to not be in this sexuality box. The only one being crossed out seemed to be straight.

I've waffled on long enough; I think I've got my points out there, the ones I couldn't share in a video as it would be too long and sure this is long but hey people read books, well there's still youtuber books being brought out so they must still do. I hope so. Thanks for reading whatever this was, best wishes. xo

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